


I love you. Just not here.

by areyoutherelarry



Series: WolfStar Canon Compliant [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:13:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25715605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/areyoutherelarry/pseuds/areyoutherelarry
Summary: During the first war, Remus comes back from the werewolf colony, and Sirius is angry.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: WolfStar Canon Compliant [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605091
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	I love you. Just not here.

**Author's Note:**

> Peter Pettigrew is in this story as their friend. 
> 
> Also, JK Rowling is a TERF, and she is wrong.
> 
> She gets no money from this, yay!

The flat is warm. Remus feels its cheer try to penetrate his cold-weary bones. This is still so new, but it’s so right. Sirius is puttering around the kitchen making afternoon tea. He’s wearing a dramatically billowy shirt and trousers that hug his thighs and flare slightly at the calf, and Remus feels his lips stretch into a smile. He still feels the itch to hide to cover up the fact that he’s wearing a frumpy jumper and the boringest trousers he owns with only a threadbare cloak over it. He can’t hold a candle to the sheer gorgeousness of Sirius. 

“Moony,” Sirius's voice lilts up in excitement when he turns and lays eyes on Remus. 

“Padfoot,” Remus responds softly. 

Sirius sets the tea he’s made haphazardly on the counter, and then he’s engulfing Remus in his arms. He smells like home: he’s a mixture of Firewhiskey, the Forbidden Forest, the fire in the Gryffindor common room, and a fall day next to the Great Lake. He knows that none of those things are actually on Sirius right now, but Sirius is so ingrained in Remus’s best memories that that’s what he smells like to Remus. Sirius kisses Remus long and slow; his hand grasps the back of Remus’s neck and for the first time in days Remus feels safe, feels like Voldemort and Greyback can’t touch him, not with Sirius by his side. 

“Missed you,” Sirius admits easily as they pull apart. Sirius presses their heads together and Remus smiles softly. 

“Missed you, too,” Remus mumbles, a flush rising to his cheeks as he admits it. 

“That’s sweet,” Sirius responds and kisses Remus again, harder this time. Sirius goes to slide his hands under Remus’s jumper and Remus hears him draw in a harsh breath, “You’re freezing.” 

“The werewolf colony doesn’t really need that much heat now do they,” Remus jokes, but Sirius’s face gets hard.

“I don’t like that he’s making you do this; you don’t deserve this,” Sirius hisses. 

“Nobody is making me do anything I don’t want to do,” Remus reasons and he feels the loss in his bones when Sirius pulls away. 

“It’s not fair; you’ve already given so much. You shouldn’t have to give anymore.” 

“It’s war; we all have to sacrifice. You know though you could warm me up.”

Sirius scoffs as he makes Remus a cup of tea, and Remus can’t decide what he’s scoffing at until Sirius says, “Of course, I’ll keep you warm, but next time, tell Dumbledore to go fuck off.” 

“Ah yes, I should tell the most powerful wizard in the world to fuck off.”

Sirius makes an affirmative noise as he turns to pull Remus to him. Remus is only a few inches taller than Sirius and it’s usually not noticeable with the way that Remus slumps his shoulders, but when they’re so close, it’s perceptible. Sirius boosts himself onto the kitchen counter and pulls Remus into the vee of his legs. 

“It’d be super attractive,” Sirius says, kissing Remus’s jawline. 

“I don’t think I need you to find me anymore attractive,” Remus teases as he moves closer to Sirius, placing his hands on Sirius’s hips instead of the counter. Sirius chuckles slightly but nips Remus’s chin in retaliation. 

Remus is the one to initiate this time; he leans in to kiss Sirius, not with any bite or bravado or annoyance, but with longing. He’s missed him; he’s missed these reminders of his human side. Remus could do this all day; he could languidly kiss Sirius for the rest of his life. He hopes he gets that chance; he’s never said it, but as Sirius casually crosses his ankles behind Remus drawing them closer together, he wants to. Sirius is cradling his face so gently, and Remus pulls away again to look into Sirius’s eyes. He turns his face and presses a kiss into Sirius’s palm. His head falls to Sirius’s shoulder without cognizance. One moment he’s kissing Sirius’s palm and the next the same palm is pressed to the nape of his neck. They stand there for a few minutes, and Remus cannot believe he’s crying. He hadn’t even thought that he’d cry. He hadn’t felt overly fraught with emotion just a few minutes ago, and now he’s shaking as tears well in his eyes. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sirius asks softly; his hands are reassuring at the nape of Remus’s neck and the small of his back. 

“No,” Remus says immediately because the idea of telling more than Dumbledore about what he had to witness is too hard and what he knows; he knows Sirius will demand to hear about it from the Order, but he can’t share Greyback’s horrors in Sirius’s cozy, little home, Remus’s sanctuary.

“You’re sure?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Okay,” Sirius says. Remus knows Sirius must be able to feel the anguish coming off of him in droves because he’d usually push. Remus knows Sirius will find out regardless, but he can’t break the safety here. 

“I love you. Just not here. I can’t tell you here,” Remus whispers past the lump in his throat. 

“I love you too,” Sirius replies, his grip on Remus tightening. 

When Remus is done shaking, Sirius slowly begins rubbing his back, but his one hand stays attached to Remus’s neck. Finally, after longer than he’d like to admit, Remus smiles, kisses Sirius’s neck, and utters, “Thank you.” 

Sirius lets him pull away and straighten, but he doesn’t unhook his ankles as he stares at Remus. Eyebrows knitting together and eyes squirting, he stares at Remus. Finally, after too much scrutiny, Remus leans forward framing Sirius’s hips with his hands on the counter and asks, “What?” He tries to sound jovial, teasing, but his voice still isn’t quite right from all the crying. Sirius flinches a little, but his face just gets harder the longer he stares at Remus. 

“Fuck Dumbledore,” Sirius murmurs as he unlatches his ankles, pushes Remus back, and walks to the sitting room. That utterance terrifies Remus because it’s not in rage but in resigned finality.

Remus picks up their cups, puts a warming charm on them, and follows Sirius. He finds Sirius scribbling a message and tying it to his owl, Zeke’s, leg. Remus hands Sirius the cup and Sirius takes a drink without thinking and slightly crinkles his nose. 

“Did you use a warming charm on this?” Sirius asks distastefully. 

Remus chuckles, “Yes.” 

“I can taste it.” 

“No, you can’t,” Remus argues exasperatedly. 

“Yes, I can.” 

“Sorry, I’m not Lily Evans.” Lily’s warming charm is the only charm Sirius swears he cannot taste; Remus thinks he’s crazy. 

Sirius scribbles another message onto a scrap of paper and then stares at the window impatiently tapping his foot. Remus hears him mumble, “Slow, fucking bird,” under his breath. 

“What are you doing?”

“Inviting Lily, Prongs, and Wormtail over for drinks,” Sirius declares. Remus deflates a little; he’s not up for having guests, and he’s definitely not up to having to erect the facade of only friendship over his deep love for Sirius. They haven’t told anyone about them; with the war and society, it wasn’t the right time, and they’d wanted to protect themselves from the backlash.

“Sirius, I don’t…” Remus trails off as Zeke returns with the response. 

“Lily and James are in,” Sirius says as Remus sighs and Sirius ties the letter to, Remus would assume, Peter onto Zeke’s leg. 

“Sirius…” Remus says again. 

“We’re telling them tonight,” Sirius declares resolutely. 

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“We’re telling them about us tonight.” 

“Why?” Remus replies. “What does that solve?”

“It doesn’t solve anything, Remus,” Sirius yells, “but at least, at least, at least.” 

“At least what?”

“At least I can show everyone that I love you. At least we can stop pretending.” 

Remus sighs because he knows that telling three people won’t solve anything, telling more people would be dangerous, and telling James, Lily, and Peter won’t fix what Sirius is really mad about. 

Remus scooches closer to Sirius on the settee and grabs Sirius’s hand that is periodically forming into a fist that creates crescent-shaped marks on Sirius’s palm. Remus sighs and vocalizes, “It won’t make Dumbledore and the Order think I’m less dispensable than they do now.”

Sirius is the one who cries this time. Hard, harsh sobs escape him. Remus doesn’t dare pull him close because he can see the rage building too. Sirius jolts up from his seat and starts pacing, angrily muttering to himself. 

“You’re not dispensable,” Sirius promises.

“I’m glad you think so, but a destitute werewolf is pretty useless normally.” 

“You’re not useless.” 

“You’re right I’m not. I’m the only person who can infiltrate this werewolf colony. My useless life has a purpose. I’m here to help the war effort.”

“But it doesn’t seem to matter to them that it tears you apart. That it tears us apart. And that doesn’t matter anyways because you’re not fucking useless Remus Lupin.” 

“We’re all doing dangerous things, Sirius; it’s a war.” 

“But not things that tear us apart and remind us of the parts of ourselves that we hate. Nobody is asking me to infiltrate the Black family compound,” Sirius retaliates, and that actually makes Remus scoff. 

“Like you could.” 

“Nobody has asked me to. Have they?”

“We both know why they do this to me. It’s because I’m a werewolf. No matter how nice everybody is. They still flinch around me; they still have implicit biases against me. They still think, no matter how hard I try, that I might end up like Greyback someday.” 

“But that’s rubbish. It’s only a day every month, and you’re nothing like that monster. It’s fucking rubbish.” 

“Maybe so, but telling people about us isn’t going to change that.”

“Maybe, it won’t, but I need them to know. I need them to know that they’re hurting me too.” 

“You’re not that special, Sirius. It won’t matter to them. It won’t stop the missions.”

“I don’t care. I need people to know. I need to be able to fight for you and, Merlin forbid, I need to be able to mourn for you. I need you. I need you at meetings and celebrations and mournings. I need us to be an us, more than I needed to get away from Walburga when I was sixteen.”

“Fine, we can tell Lily, Prongs, and Wormtail.” 

“That’s it?” 

“Yes, I’m not you. I won’t fight till I can’t fight anymore. I don’t want to hide either. I don’t think it’ll change anything, but I won’t fight you if you want to tell them, but just them for now.” 

Sirius looks at him a little dumbstruck, but then straddles Remus’s lap, just as Zeke flies back in the window. 

“Wormtail’s in too,” Sirius acknowledges before dropping the paper, grabbing Remus’s face, and kissing him harshly. 

“When are they coming?” Remus asks, out of breath when he pulls away a few minutes later. 

“In about an hour,” Sirius replies casually as he sucks a bruise into Remus’s neck. 

“None of that,” Remus swats at him annoyed. 

“I want everyone to know you’re mine,” Sirius pronounces.

“Ridiculous,” Remus sighs, but a few minutes later, he follows Sirius to the bedroom happily. 

* * *

Lily and James arrive early, probably a little to James’s chagrin. Lily rushes in her cheeks pink with the chill. James follows with a gentle smirk on his face. Lily throws herself at Remus, and he catches her with a laugh. 

“Thank god you’re here. I'm so sick of listening to these two imbeciles,” Lily declares, throwing her voice so she’s sure James and Sirius hear too. She presses a chilly kiss to Remus’s cheek, and he chuckles at her antics. James is shaking his head as he removes his cloak, and Sirius flips the bird at Lily, always a little jealous of James and Remus’s love for her. She flips him off too, but they embrace even though Lily jams a finger into Sirius’s side because he’s always been ticklish. 

James hugs Remus tightly and says, “Good to have you back.”

“Good to be here,” Remus agrees; he doesn’t remind them that he’ll have to be going back very soon. 

James slings his arm around Remus as they head to the sitting room. James is chatting jovially with Sirius about Quidditch. Remus is barely listening because his head is busy with what they’re about to tell them and his happiness at being in the arms of the only people who have ever made him feel comfortable, his found family. 

James flops down in one of the armchairs and Sirius takes up the other one. Remus sits on the side of the settee closest to Sirius. Lily sits next to him tucking her frigid toes under him. He glares at her and she grins back at him. 

Lily drops her head to Remus’s shoulder “How are you?” she asks. 

“Fine,” he replies, “How are you?” 

“I’m doing really well given the circumstances.” 

He’s chuffed by that actually; she sounds happy. Lily has always been one of his best friends. She’d always been kind to him, and they’d been like kindred spirits in the Gryffindor Common Room. They’d been Prefects together, and she’d been close to him even when she’d hated James. They’d spend hours in the library studying while James, Sirius, and Peter attempted to play Quidditch. 

“You deserve it,” he says sincerely. 

“Thank you,” she whispers. “I wish this was all over. I want us all to be happy. I wish they weren’t making you do what they’re making you do.”

Remus hums his agreement and her hand tightens on his arm. 

“You deserve happiness,” she says, “More than anyone I know.” 

Remus leans more into her with a smile and whispers, “Thanks.”

“So what’s your news?” James asks, which draws Remus’s attention away from Lily, “We have news, too.”

“Gotta wait for Wormtail,” Sirius declares, pushing himself out of his chair, “Drinks?” 

“Butterbeer,” Remus requests. 

“Pumpkin Juice,” Lily sings. 

Sirius nods, and James gets up to follow Sirius, continuing their conversation about Quidditch or brooms or whatever they’d gotten to.

“Good news?” Lily asks as she lays back on the settee, but she keeps her feet tucked under Remus’s bum. 

“Um, I don’t know,” Remus responds honestly, “Yours?” 

“Yeah, it’s good, at least I think so,” she smiles. 

He grips her shin and smiles, “Good.”

“Do you want to talk about your trip?” She asks, using the delicate euphemism to detract from the seriousness of the question. 

“Not really,” he says. He can’t tell her he doesn’t want to break the serenity of this place, like he told Sirius. 

“You shouldn’t have to carry the burden all on your own,” she reminds. 

He sighs heavily, “I know.”

“Do you?” She asks.

“Lily,” he rebukes softly. 

“I miss you being around. I miss your warm stability. I miss your opinion. I miss you so much, and I hate what this is doing to you. James and Sirius are well James and Sirius. You’ll listen to me talk about all the charms and potions we’re looking at for the war.” 

“Anything new?” Remus deflects. 

“Oh, Remus, you wouldn’t believe what you can find out when you’re ambitious, and it’s the only thing you’re doing,” she says excitedly. 

Sirius brings back their drinks, Lily sits up to take the proffered cup, and then they’re all chatting about the Order. There’s another knock at the door, and Sirius greets Peter warmly, slapping his back in a tight hug. Peter grins at them as he walks into the room and tucks into the furthest corner of the settee. Lily leans over and kisses his cheek. He blushes and easily joins their conversation. Their discussion of the Order’s work quickly turns to inside gossip. By the end of it, they’re all cackling about the most ridiculous rumors. Remus feels warmed to his very soul. 

“So news?” James asks and Lily throws a pillow at his face. 

“You’re so…” Lily laughs, trailing off. 

“I want to tell them our news,” James laughs. 

“So tell us,” Sirius responds, but Remus can tell he’s a little annoyed. 

“Well,” James says, and Remus can feel Lily’s body tighten next to his, “We’re going to have a baby.” 

Sirius cheers, Remus squeezes Lily’s hand, and Wormtail smiles broadly, “Congratulations.” 

They giddily talk about babies and due dates and toys. James’s smile couldn’t get any bigger if he tried, and Remus can feel the joy radiating off Lily in waves. He doesn’t mention the swoop in his stomach at the world they’re bringing this baby into. The fear that he has for this baby. He doesn’t mention it at all, but he does worry. 

“So your news?” James pushes again. 

Sirius freezes; he’s so excited about the baby that it looks like he almost forgot about why he called this impromptu meeting. He looks shy all of a sudden and glances at Remus. Remus nods, and Sirius takes a deep breath. Lily grabs Remus’s hand covertly, and he feels the tug at the corner of his mouth.

“Remus and I are together,” Sirius says finally. Lily squeezes Remus’s hand so tightly that he feels like his bones are crossing. 

“Like Lily and I?” James asks.

“Well, we’re not married or anything, but yeah,” Sirius replies. His confidence is back now, and he’s staring straight at James. Lily’s grip is still so tight; Remus is worried about the blood flow to his fingers.

“So the man I want to be my son’s godfather is a poof?” James asks. Remus has known James a long time, and he can’t tell if he’s joking. 

Lily moves to talk, but Remus beats her to it and jokes, “Oh, I didn’t think you’d ask me.”

It shocks James and Sirius out of their stare down, and when he makes eye contact with James, he looks confused and when he turns to look at Sirius, Sirius looks heartbroken and so angry. He knows this won’t be good. He tries to hold Sirius’s gaze longer, and he can see how hurt he is. 

“I just, Sirius, all the girls at Hogwarts liked you and you’re a poof?” James asks. 

Remus looks and he can see this ruin Sirius’s vision of what this would be like, and he’s heartbroken for him. Sirius stands up and kisses Remus before turning and walking out the door. Everyone in the room is shocked silent for over a minute. 

“Did he have shoes?” Lily asks, breaking the crushing silence. 

“I don’t think so,” Remus responds and starts to get up. 

“No, I’ll go,” Lily says, “You deal with this idiot.” 

Remus flops back, knowing that Lily just gave him the hardest job. She scurries to the front door, downing her cloak, slipping on her boots, and grabbing Sirius’s cloak and boots. 

“Drinks, snacks?” Peter asks and putters off to the kitchen without a response. 

Remus closes his eyes and drops his head to the back of the settee. He doesn’t want to do this; he doesn’t want to fight with James because James can be belligerent. 

“You know he wanted you to know so badly,” Remus sighs; his head is still resting on the back of the settee, and he knows he might be inviting a fight,but he has to do it for Sirius, for them. “He thought if you knew it would make a difference.” 

“Make a difference in what?” James asks. 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“Remus, I can’t do anything if I don’t know.” 

“It’s stupid.” 

“What?” James demands. 

“He thought if you all knew maybe something could be done about these werewolf colony missions. He thought you would fight for me. It’s stupid.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“It’s fine, James. It doesn’t matter.” 

“I’m not mad or grossed out, you know. I’m just confused. I just don’t understand,” James admits, and Remus can hear him stand up. Remus lifts his head and opens his eyes. James is standing closer to him now, looking at the space that Lily vacated and Remus nods a little. 

James flops down next to him, and Remus can feel the nervous energy rolling off of him. He opens his eyes again and opens his arms to James, and James quickly scurries under Remus’s arm. This isn’t the first time they’ve sat like this, but this is the first time that Remus can feel trepidation rolling off of James. 

“You don’t have anything to prove to me,” Remus says lightly, but he can feel the tightening in his chest because he loves James and knows how important James is to Sirius. 

“I’m not any of those things,” James promises again. “I just… Did you have a crush on me? Did Sirius have a crush on me?” 

This makes Remus cackle so loudly that Peter scurries back into the room with no drinks or snacks, typical. Peter perches on the edge of the seat that James vacated and stares at them. 

“No, sorry to burst your bubble. I don’t even know when I knew, but when I knew, it was always Sirius,” Remus divulges, and his heart flutters at the thought of when he knew of the slow process of realizing he was in love with Sirius Black. It wasn’t right away, but he thinks he knew before Sirius did. 

“Not me?” James jokes. 

“No,” Remus responds, smacking James in the chest, but James relaxes further into Remus’s side. 

“I love you both you know.” 

“Well, you shouldn’t have called us poofs then.” 

“Is poof bad?” 

Remus sighs and rolls his eyes but answers, “Yes, it’s pretty damn derogatory.” 

“Sorry, I just… you’re gay. It’s not what I was expecting.” 

“Yeah, well, Sirius needs you right now, so buck up.” 

“Do you love him?”

“Shut up.” 

“That’s beautiful.” 

Remus laughs and then they’re all laughing when the front door opens. Sirius comes in first, but Lily’s hand is in the small of his back pushing him forward. Remus almost gets up to greet them, to comfort Sirius, but he wants to keep this cheery spirit going. Sirius glares at their giggling and walks straight towards Remus and James. 

“Get off him, you tosser,” Sirius orders. James looks up in confusion, and Remus smirks. James scurries away, and Sirius plops into Remus’s lap. Remus laughs again and wraps his arms around Sirius’s waist. Sirius’s eyes are red, and Remus knows how much he hates crying. He kisses Sirius’s arm, and then places a hand on the back on Sirius’s neck and drags him down for another kiss. He knows it surprises Sirius, but it also makes Sirius tremendously happy. James fills the seat that Sirius had occupied and Lily sits at the other end of the settee. She catches Remus’s eyes and gives him a watery grin. She mouths, “It’ll be okay,” at him, and he nods because he knows it will be too. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please consider giving to Trans Organizations in the UK. https://www.trans.ac.uk/ResourcesInformation/OrganisationsCommunity/tabid/7258/Default.aspx


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